Validating Emotions vs. Approving of Behavior (Part 2)

Part 2: Boundaries with Heart: Balancing Validation and Behavior

Introduction: Welcome to the second part of our two-part blog series on validating emotions and setting boundaries. While validating emotions is crucial, it’s also important to set clear boundaries regarding behavior. Children need to learn that while their feelings are valid, certain actions are not acceptable. Here’s how to achieve that balance effectively.

Communicating Boundaries

• Infants and Toddlers (10 months - 2 years): If a toddler is frustrated and starts to hit because they want attention, you can say, “I know you want my attention, but hitting is not okay. You can ask for me or show me what you want.” This acknowledges their need for connection while setting a clear limit.

• Preschoolers (3-5 years): If a child hits another during a playdate, instead of simply saying, “It’s okay to be mad,” you can say, “I understand you’re angry, but hitting is not okay. Let’s find another way to express how you feel.”

• School-Age Children (6-12 years): If a child is frustrated and starts yelling, you might say, “I get that you’re upset. It’s normal to feel that way. However, yelling isn’t an appropriate way to communicate. Let’s take a deep breath and talk about it calmly.”

Steps for Balancing Validation with Boundaries

• Acknowledge Feelings First: Before setting a boundary, recognize the child’s feeling.

• Communicate Consequences Clearly: explain what will happen if the behavior continues and/or what the child can do instead.

Tips for Parents and Teachers

• Be Consistent: Reinforce the message that feelings are valid, but actions have consequences. Consistency helps children understand expectations.

• Model Healthy Emotional Expression: Share your own feelings and how you manage them. For instance, say, “I felt overwhelmed today, and I took a break to calm down.”

• Create a Safe Space: Encourage open dialogue about emotions. Establish a routine where children can express how they feel without fear of judgment.

Key Takeaways

• Balance validation with boundary-setting: Let children know their feelings are valid, but undesirable behaviors will not be reinforced.

• Use teachable moments: Turn emotional challenges into opportunities for learning.

• Promote emotional regulation: Teach strategies for managing strong feelings, like deep breathing, taking a break, or asking for assistance.

By setting clear boundaries while validating emotions, we guide children toward understanding their feelings and behaviors. This approach not only nurtures emotional intelligence but also empowers them to express themselves in positive ways, fostering resilience and healthy relationships.

---